While he drove the few hours back, I walked around our house wringing my shaking hands like Lady Macbeth.
I was in shock. Over the next few days, the full story eventually trickled out. My husband confessed that he had been having an on-again, off-again affair for four years. I would shake my husband awake at 3 a.
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Why did you do it? Every day, I was trying to be the best mom I could, while also trying to finish the last chapter of my book, which my editor was getting increasingly impatient over. So I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. They were too young. Kick him out? Maybe later. But right now? I felt like I was fighting for my life. Often times, people assume that if a man cheats, that means his wife was a shrew , a nag.
She let herself go. The other woman was sexy and interesting. He was trading up. He cheated because there was something wrong with him. And he thought he could find the answer in the fantasy of an affair. I went to a therapist who urged me to give myself as long as I needed to sort this out, and to learn to trust myself.
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Trust myself? It took me four years to realize that my husband was having an affair.
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How could I ever trust myself? Six months after he admitted to the affair, my husband made an off-hand remark about visiting a strip club with a colleague several years prior. I wondered. Or did he? There were others. He was in therapy for sex addiction, he told me, curled up in the fetal position. His hands were covering his face as if to both contain his shame, and to protect himself from my anger, my shock, my disgust.
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He was in pieces. My children needed a whole father. I told him that I could only promise him that I would be his friend as he sought help for this.
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I figured that—once he was fully recovered—I would leave. Or he would. I was sure of it. Life continued to be a roller coaster of crazy highs and numbing lows. Eventually, our sex life stopped altogether. The intimacy felt like too much. And I tried to become comfortable with that uncertainty.
As I tried to heal, I watched my husband do the painful work of excavating decades of grief, facing down long-repressed abuse, and repeatedly showing up to support me in my own pain. It took a long time, which is another thing nobody tells you about infidelity: It can take years to get through. Amatenstein agrees. But couples who do decide to separate after an affair can still benefit from therapy, especially if they have children. Sign up for our Newsletter and join us on the path to wellness. Spring Challenge. No Guesswork. Newsletter Wellness, Meet Inbox.
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Art Direction: Morgan Johnson. The cheating has to stop. Total honesty is essential. Together, start over again. Keywords cheating , relationships , infidelity , sex. Trending 1. Wellness, Meet Inbox Sign up for our Newsletter and join us on the path to wellness.